Great Expectations

No, this isn't about Charles Dickens immortal novel. Though I have certainly borrowed from his title.

Sometimes I wonder what "expectation" is. Is it what you want others to do unto you, or the way you want them to do what they do or maybe the way you want the world to turn.....I really don't know!

What do I expect? Is it riches? or fame, maybe power, respect, authority, or probably all of those. But then is this what I really want? Hm'm, I'm not so sure. Aren't these the resultant factors of other things like in, if I could do "X" the above would occur by default. Yes!

So what is / are my expectations? Is it about relationships? with parents, spouse, children, colleagues, employees or customers or vendors.....? Or is it about how I expect these people to treat me or behave?

All my life I have been a spoilt brat. I could get whatever I wanted, well almost. My father behaved with me reasonably, so okay, sometimes he did'nt - so what? I was a brave child not because I had inner strength but because I was confident that Dad was there to take care of things if I messed up somewhere. It enabled me to experiment and take bold decisions. My mother never agreed with this though. She thought my father was turning me into a monster by his belief that the only way I could learn was by making mistakes. He gave me the liberty to make mistakes. Thanks Dad! So did he expect anything in return? what were his expectations when he treated me the way he did or what did my mother want me to be? What were my parents' expectations from me?

I have crossed the halfway marker of my life (or maybe more) and I still don't know the answer to this and probably will never be able to understand. Was my father able to do and achieve what he eventually did because my mother supported him or did she have nothing to do with this. Is this why I expect my wife to behave the same way my mother behaved with my father? Will someone please tell me?

So what are my expectations from my sons? Do I want them to achieve all those things in life which I couldn't, irrespective of what they want to do with their life? Do I see myself in them and is it my desire the relive life through them because there is no other way I can turn back the clock? I'm puzzled, I'm confused and I'm totally bewildered.

Let's come back to my wife. What do I expect her to be? (Of course it's not important how she wants to be). Why do I behave like a stereotype MCP and presume that my wife should know exactly how I want her to behave with me. Of course I don't need to tell her. Her mother should have taught her that. We'll discuss that chapter some other day. Actually, I expect her to anticipate my moods and adjust accordingly. Simple.

What about my employees? They should know what I expect. Isn't that why I am paying them. Don't forget I am the king of my territory. The junta should know the likes, dislikes and expectations of the king. Shouldn't they?

Or is it something else?

I have reached that stage in life when I suddenly find myself out of the shadows of my father. I can feel the same arrogance in my parents, wife sons and employees that I had when my father was in charge. I have now become the "provider" not by choice though. It's by default. I can see all these people brimming with the same confidence that I showed in my youth. I can see them making mistakes. I can see the "he is there to take care" look in their eyes! Boy, it sure makes me nervous. I am sad too.

Nervous, because I am burdened with the responsibility of having to live upto these expectations. Sad because I can see the carefree confidence exuberated by a smart young boy being replaced with maturity and responsibility. Nervous because I can't let them down. Sad because there is no one to look upto anymore. Nervous because I don't have a second chance. Sad because I never took advantage of the first. Nervous because I have to live upto many expectations. Sad because my expectations are not relevant any more.